The Gentle Year

Inner Power or Emotional Pressure? When Choosing Happiness Helps (and When It Harms) with Terry Bean

• Knikki Hernandez • Season 1 • Episode 8

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In this episode of The Gentle Year, Knikki Hernandez sits down with Terry Bean—children’s book author, life & executive coach, and caregiver to her 91-year-old mother—for a candid conversation about positivity, power, and emotional responsibility.

Together, they examine a question many parents and educators wrestle with but rarely say out loud: When does “choosing happiness” empower children—and when does it quietly pressure them to silence real emotions?

Drawing from personal experiences with caregiving, childhood bullying, family dynamics, and education, Terry explores the difference between inner power and emotional pressure, optimism and denial, boundaries and obligation. They discuss how well-meaning messages like “be positive” or “choose how you feel” can either build resilience—or create confusion and self-blame—depending on how and when they’re taught.

This episode challenges simplistic narratives around positivity and offers a more honest framework for raising emotionally grounded children, supporting aging parents, and modeling presence, compassion, and self-trust across generations.

Thoughtful, direct, and deeply relevant, this conversation invites listeners to rethink what emotional strength really looks like for children and adults alike.

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Word. Hi everybody, welcome to The Gentle Year. My name is Nikki Hernandez and I am recovering from bronchitis,so my voice is gonna be a little bit raspier today, but nonetheless, we are here with Terry Bean. And I want to give her amoment to introduce herself because you guys are really in for a treat today. So Terri Bean, can you tell us who you are,what you do, and how you do it, please? Well, thank you very much. And thank you for having me on, Nikki. That'sfirst and foremost, of course. Really appreciate it and all the work you do and getting yourself out there and showingup, you know, for. For everybody in this kind of space. Hello again, everybody. My name is Terry Bean and, forwhatever reason, people love to say it in full.

00:00:49

Terry Bean— it's got that kind of ring to it which is very, very fun. Um, I am. A new debut book. Children's bookwriter. I am a life coach, an executive coach, and also a speaker. It's been a really extremely fun ride. My background isactually in marketing and sales. I was in real estate for a very long time. When I lived down in Delray Beach, Florida.And. I lived in the South Florida area and North Florida area for close to 30 years, and now I find myself. Back up herein New York, I may drop my R's here and there, so you may hear that. Queens, New York accent. Uh... But I... Andnow... caretaking my elderly mom, who's 91. And we just actually finished up a little dinner together.

00:01:50

And. Uh, it's... Taken. a tremendous amount of focus. with regard to the tools that I've gotten through all the personaldevelopment I've done through my life. Absolutely. Wow. So your children's book author, life coach, a speaker, acaretaker for your 91-year-old mother. You've got a lot on your plate right now. And for a moment, I'd like to just kindof talk about taking care of your mom. Because I know that there are a lot of people in that situation where they'retaking care of their elderly parents. I was just speaking to a friend who was doing the same thing for her mom, andeventually it got to the point where... her mother, due to some pretty severe mental illness, had to be placed into anursing home.

00:02:42

And that was her particular circumstance. I want people to know that there are so many people going through that andthat there's so much empathy out in the world for people who are doing that. Because the question I have for you is, Doyou feel isolated? when you are taking care of your mom? Or do you have a really strong support system that helps youto be able to do that and do all these other things, especially considering what people typically go through in those typesof situations. It's a very good question. Caretaking has become something that is really important in our society andwhere we've flipped the narrative with, you know, mother, daughter, daughter, mother, mother, son, son, mother. and Idon't know. In some ways it's, it's.

00:03:42

very true that you're caretaking a child. Some of the things that go on here, I just kind of shake my head. And I thinkthat Um, The compassion that I have. for my mom and where she's at and what's happening for her. is what's kind of...pulling me through. and also standing my ground, creating the boundaries, creating the agreements that I have to havewith her to be able to have my own life as I go through this, have my own time for myself, have my, you know, my owntime for business, for these podcasts, et cetera, et cetera. The support is there through friends. I do have... A sister, I dohave siblings. We actually switched. They were up here in New York for about 12 years and I was down in Florida.

00:04:43

So when they moved down to Florida. I realized that it's going to be important that someone's here. And because of mylifestyle and my situation. I had a lot more freedom to do so. Um, and. All I could say to people is it's not easy. It takesknowing breath work, knowing—yourself, you know, meditation work, your self-speak. You know, how you're talkingto yourself. Truly understanding the importance of not reacting right away and taking that breath before you react. Andtruly also understanding when you just let things go. When. You know, mom says something that is either off the wallor I know is blatantly incorrect. Why have the fight? What does it matter? It doesn't matter. Just kind of let it roll off orgo on to a different subject or divert attention.

00:05:45

Whatever you can do. And for me, through my life, humor has been a big part of my life. So. A little bit about how Igrew up. Both my parents got married, and then had me, but had previous children from previous marriages. So I wasan only child between them. So what happened for me is I became like their sunshine child and you know the child thatconstantly wanted to mediate, and create more laughter, because there was a lot of drama going on between two parentswho are dealing with their own respective divorces, you know? Um, so. I... became someone who just kind of laughed alot and you know, took things a little bit lighter and also spoke a very different language at an early time.

00:06:39

Yeah, that really does speak to a lot of what we're going to get into here in just a moment. But, you know, there were somany things that stood out to me about what you said, you know, how taking care of an elderly person can really feellike taking care of a child. And then you also, one thing that really piqued my attention was the idea or the concept ofcreating agreements with her. Can you talk to us a little bit about what that looks like? I'll talk to you and let you knowexactly what happened. I was... I was basically having a bit of a panic attack. Honestly, and. After that happened, and I,like, I couldn't breathe and I just felt. Thank you. Not only isolated, by the way, but.

00:07:30

completely boxed in. And I needed to figure out how this was going to work. Because if I was going to be here... itneeds to work or we have to figure something else out as a family. And Um. I went down to Florida actually for amonth and I realized. Grrrr. What was very interesting is I was then studying. for my certification with Mindvalley. Andduring that certification, It was a part when we were talking about. Boundaries and agreements that people. need to setup with whatever relationship you're in. It doesn't even matter. But we all have them. We have them with our ownchildren, with... siblings, with spouses, with pets. It doesn't make, you know, we have those boundaries and such inagreement.

00:08:22

What it looked like was I realized there were three very important things and it was, it was cooking. It was. talkingdown or denigrating anybody in my life. that she didn't necessarily appreciate. It's very hurtful. And I need to let herknow that, that that's not okay. And the third and one of the most important things is giving me time to get away.Because. Caretakers need. to breathe. We need. to rejuvenate. And the only way we rejuvenate, quite frankly, is byphysically getting away as well. As mentally getting away. I mean, we have to mentally get away while we're in. Youknow, in whatever space we are with them. Yet at the same time, physically getting away is really, really important. Soevery month. I said at least five days.

00:09:21

Yeah, no, that's really deep. I appreciate that so much. And the concept that you had mentioned earlier about just lettingthings go, it's funny because my mom has spoken to me on multiple occasions about this book by Mel Robbins called'Let Them.' And then today, today I was hanging out with... An individual who's a colleague of mine and he had justmentioned the phrase, 'let them'— not the book, but he mentioned the phrase, 'let them' in conversation. And I didn't sayanything at that particular moment, but I was like, 'I wonder if he's going to bring up the book by Mel Robbins.' Andsure enough, he did as well. So I guess this is my sign to read the book because it's been mentioned to me two timestoday.

00:10:06

And anyway, when you mention, you know, just letting things go. And asking yourself the question, 'why fight? Whyargue? What do you gain out of arguing? Inciting anger out of anybody else. What do you gain from that? And I thinkabout my own mom's experience with my grandmother. They have a a contentious relationship in many respects. Dothey love each other? Yes, definitely. But, you know, with my grandmother being, you know, older, she's an elderlywoman, 70 something years old. And, you know, my mom is in her 50s. They don't always agree or see eye to eye anda lot of times that language that they use with each other is very, very cutting. And so I wanted to ask you. Um, whenyou.

00:10:56

When you are making or forming these agreements with your mom, is she coherent enough to be able to understandwhat these agreements are? Is she, you know, how does she typically? receive these things? What happens, you know,for example, if she crosses a boundary? So. What a great question because it happened the other day. And I actually hadto review the questions. So it's not a matter of she is coherent. Absolutely. At 91, she's surprisingly incredible. But Ibelieve that what's happening now is there is a bit of a long-term memory thing. happening. Uh. So short-term memoryis okay, but it's the long-term that... Things have changed. getting a bit convoluted and stories are mixing up. and thingsand So a couple of things. She absolutely. Agreed then. Right?

00:12:00

But all of a sudden, months passed, and then it came up when she got very irritated with, you know, where I was goingor when I was going, or whatever the thing is. And at that point, the way it happened upset me. And no one's perfect.And I reacted big time because I needed my space. And then I went back to it and I said, 'Remember those agreements?Let me remind you. What took place here.' And then we talked about it, and surprisingly enough, a day or so later, shewas absolutely fine. It was like nothing happened. And this is part of understanding and having that compassion. Ibelieve that. When. When people in general. React to us and they get upset or or yell or scream or just get out of handor out of control.

00:13:04

It's not about us. It's not about you, shall we say, or it's not about us. It's typically about them. It's what they're goingthrough. My mom, at that time when she freaked out and got at me, she was going to the doctor. She hates doctors.She's scared of doctors. She's got all of this going. She's unhappy. That she's going. She's unhappy to be out of thehouse. So there are all of these things that are taking place. So. I think for myself, it's a great lesson in stepping backand understanding what she's going through at that moment as to why she's reacting. To that extent, right? And thencoming at it. The way I said before, with a bit more compassion. Diversion. Even humor, things like that. That willmitigate things a bit more.

00:13:57

Yeah, absolutely. I told you listeners that you were in for a treat today. These podcasts are. They're not scripted oranything like that. So when you're listening to... Terry speak, you are listening to her speak from the heart. You'relistening to her speak and all the guests. You're listening to everyone really speak candidly. So that's the reason for. thispodcast. Now, I want to kind of go into one of the very first things that I realized about you when I first met you is thatyou are an incredible... incredibly positive person. Your energy just is so entrancing and magnetic in so many differentways. And I think that you would probably describe it as magical. I know you like magic.

00:14:42

And, and so not to scare anybody who does not like magic, we're not talking about, you know, any kind of demonpossessed things or anything like that. We're really just talking about the magic of existence, the magic of reality, themagic of living life on your own terms. And so there's one thing that stood out to me, Terry, you said to me, when I firstmet you, you said, 'I believe that everything is always working out for me.' I believe everything is always working outfor me. So was there a particular moment in your life when, especially, you know, it could be taking care of your momor it could be in some other situation. But was there a moment in your life when that belief, 'everything is working outfor me,' was particularly difficult to hold on to?

00:15:34

I have to take a moment. She's thinking everybody. Thank you. Well, you know, there have been a couple of times inmy life that, you know, with relationships or things where there have been breakups and this and that. Have definitelynot been fun. They've been challenging. They've been, you know, a huge learning curve in terms of emotionalintelligence and such. Yet. The one thing I believe, and thank you for the intro to this, I appreciate all of that, is that I Ibelieve that everything's a journey. So no matter— good, bad, or indifferent—we're on that journey. An hour?Responsibility in that journey is to hold a perspective about the journey in a way. That feels good to us. So I see a gift.And almost anything and everything.

00:16:42

There's always a gift. You know, when you make a wrong, when you make a wrong turn on the road. There's probablyan accident in the other road that you were about to go on. It's that kind of thing that I come from and I highly believethat we create our own reality. When you live from that heart, feeling place of knowing that the universe kind of hasyour back, all the time? Then you're never alone. Yeah, absolutely. So that's a really interesting concept. Now, I'm goingto just go through my notes real quick. You mentioned that everything is a journey that you feel that. Everyone has theirown journey. And that holding on to a perspective that feels good to them. In regards to that journey is really a greatway to live.

00:17:42

And then you also mentioned that, you know, that these events that happen in our lives. They... Can can really bepositive events like you may think of turning on, turning down the wrong street, some people may react to that in a verynegative way and be like, 'Oh gosh, darn it blah blah blah and then, but another person might say, 'Oh, I'm having anadventure today, you know, that may have a very different, a very different mindset. So, um, do you think that peopleDo you think that life is... objective? Is it subjective? Are people, are we creating our own heavens and our own hellssimultaneously? Well, absolutely. First of all, I The objectivity is the thing that's happening. The subjectivity is howwe're choosing, and that's the key word, how we're choosing to perceive it.

00:18:43

Okay. So at every moment in time, I believe that we always have The. the ability to make that choice that's either goingto make us feel good or not, within a split second. It's truly almost within a split second the same. Mom, in my mind,has her own journey. Do I like? Some of the choices that she's made, even at 91, no. Brrrah! Am I going to allow that toimpact me and affect me? to the point where it's going to affect our relationship. No. It doesn't make any sense. I havemy own life. She has her life. I'm here to support her. As much as I can. as she transitions. That's why I'm here. Youknow? This is not an easy time for her. I understand that. She's working with.

00:19:38

and doing the best she can. You know? And the more I realized that. and appreciate the things about her. you know, notthe things I don't appreciate and let her know that daily. I believe if we do that with all our relationships, ourrelationships will just get stronger and stronger and stronger. Stronger and stronger. I very highly, you know. I believein appreciation. Even if you don't want to do it, I love gratitude as well. but it's a different kind of, it vibrates a bitdifferently. And appreciation goes a long, long way. Yes, it really does. And you mentioned earlier, I think, correct me ifI'm wrong, but I think you said that your parents got a divorce when you were young, is that right? So my parents weredivorced previous to them marrying each other.

00:20:32

So in other words, they had previous marriages. Mom had a daughter. Dad had daughter's son. They came together andhad me. So at one point, at 11 years old, I remember wanting to write a book. I'm an only child, but I'm not. And I'vebeen through a divorce, but I haven't. That was literally going to be the title of the book. That's what I... And I shouldhave wrote it back then because it would have been. Extraordinary, because back then, I mean, I'm born in 63. Okay. Itwasn't happening back in 63. My mother was one of the first divorcees with a child. It was very difficult for her. Youknow, and it's part of the reason why she married my dad. But I... I had a really fun relationship with my father.

00:21:18

My father and I had a similar silly kind of, you know, personality, so. We would joke around a lot. And with mom,mom and I had. We went through stuff. I mean, major stuff, mother-daughter stuff that was really, really major. So mecoming back into this situation. No one in my life could believe it. They were all just absolutely blown away by it. Andagain, I think it just takes—much. A lot of working on ourselves to be able to step into different situations that are thatmuch more challenging. To us, you know, as individuals. And it's a matter of perspective every step of the way. It reallyis. Well, first of all, I want to support you on your book writing journey. So yes, please write that book.

00:22:07

So many people would benefit from that. And if I'm not, if I'm, if my memory serves me correctly, in the beginning ofthis, when you were talking about that dynamic between your Your parents, I think you mentioned something abouthow you wanted to really speak life into your family and that you didn't feel like you were, you know, to mend things,to heal things. And you felt like you were not speaking the same language as they were. What did you mean by that? SoI've always been on a personal development language journey. I've always been in this space. I really think that fromthe age of eight, I pretty much had this point of view that everything would always work out for me. I write it on my...my website, TerryBeanAuthor.

00:22:58

com, about the story of me being chosen for a part in the fourth grade play. With Mrs. Liebert. I even remember hername. And... She gave me the part of Mother Nature that started out in a very filthy, dirty, polluted world and came out.With this beautiful dress and rose-colored glasses. And I tell people, I don't think I ever took those glasses off. So Ithink that was a. to go back to that question. That was a big part of when things kind of started for me. And I was a kidthat was bullied badly in school. So I think just having... That kind of ability to turn on and off, right? and have thatconnection that I felt that everything was pretty much working out for me, and also the ability to divert attention.

00:23:55

So when I was little, I kind of. get into my room. And as a little girl, I would play, I would, you know, sing, I wouldcreate stories, I would do different things just to divert and be in. My own world, so to speak, you know, um. Since Iwas kind of afraid sometimes to go out, but. Overall, with my family, it was more of like that mediator. I was alwaysthe one that was kind of kidding. You know, and, and such. And also kind of getting in trouble here and there. And thatalso diverted attention in its own right. You know, which a lot of kids will act out like that, right, to divert attention. Soit's really smart, I think, as a family to always look inward.

00:24:44

And say, okay, so what's going on here? You know, that. This child, or this person in the family, it could be an adult inthe family, is, you know, acting, like literally acting out. You know, what's going on. Because it's not all about them.Every relationship takes two or as many as that that are in that relationship. So everybody has a part. You know? Yeah,most definitely. I'm going to ask a pretty direct question. It's a loaded question. And you may disagree with the premiseof the question. And many listeners may disagree with the premise of the question as well. And I just want to, youknow, put that disclaimer out there. But in your opinion, Terry, why are so many families broken in today's world? Onthem. Wow.

00:25:32

That is a loaded question, huh? Yep. I knew it was. I said, you know what? I'm going to ask it. It is loaded. It's a good,it's a really good one. And I, and I came from kind of broken, but not broken, you know, that kind of thing. So it's kindof like define broken, you know? Yeah. Yeah. So, I'm... There were a couple of things I think that are going on and andI'm going to start with what I feel could be, could mend. And that's a, I'm going to go right back to appreciation. I thinkfrom. The time that people get married, if they every single day. Can find one thing to appreciate in their partner and letthem know what it is. Hold them together for life.

00:26:17

Okay. I think a lot happens with finger pointing. And with blaming, and with trying to one-up each other. I hear it allthe time in families. You know, the competitiveness. With kids goes on. I believe that a lot of parents may be trying tolive vicariously through their children. And that's a real issue that. That's putting a lot of pressure. On a child. To try tobe the person that the parent wants them to be so the parent feels better. That's not why we have children. Right. It's notwhy I say it to my mom quite often. I'll say, I'm not here. To live the life. That you want me to live. So what happensis... I think we think we're helping by judging, by sharing with each other what we need to do right, wrong, orindifferently.

00:27:25

And it's really not us to judge that. I think the internet has... really messed us up in that way in terms of competitivenessand the rest of it. And so much of it is not even real that we're looking at. You know? Um, There's a lot of work that wehave to do out there, but I think if we are, I've seen families go through absolute Hell. With. Their children. And thebiggest thing they give them is support and love, and allow them to be themselves. and appreciate that they are beingthemselves. Truly appreciate it. Yeah. Coming from a place of obligation. If I, if I was here. And I... was taking care ofmy mom. And felt resentful. And obligated to do so. This would not work.

00:28:27

I'd be probably having breakdowns continuously. Because I... I couldn't handle that kind of atmosphere all the time. Itwould just, it would break me apart. And she and I would not have a relationship at all. It would be anger. It would beconstant fighting. It would be a horrible situation. I don't, you know. When you do things for others and you do thingsfor your brothers, your sisters, your parents, when you do things for them. It's coming from you. It's a gift from you. It'snot because you need or want something from them. There's a lot of tit for tat that goes on in this world. Oh, yeah, theresure is. I, you know, what's interesting is that, you know, for the listeners. They're listening to this just audio, but...

00:29:16

I can see you. And when I watch you and you verbalize your ideas and your thoughts. I see two things. I see, numberone, I see the child in you. There's a beautiful inner soul to you that I feel like I can see and that you embody. And thenthe second part of you that I see is. A woman who is in a phase of life that is just all about wisdom and nurturing andwarmth and love. And to see these two images— kind of come together of the woman who's in just a phase of wisdom.Along with a child that's merging with her. It's really unique. It's really special. And you hold such an optimism, anoptimistic spirit about you, even when you're talking about difficult things.

00:30:08

I want to kind of talk to you a little bit more about optimism because you have written a beautiful children's book thatyou read to me when I first read it. And I never, there's not a day that goes by that I don't like think about that book. It'sso good. But in terms of optimism, the world. For a lot of people, it is very dark right now. And I think that somepeople may feel that optimism can be a form of denial, denial about what's going on or whatever the case may be,however you interpret that. So how do you personally distinguish? Between being positive and choosing a positiveperspective and avoiding maybe an uncomfortable truth or an uncomfortable topic? How do you kind of distinguishbetween those two things?

00:31:02

And do you think that optimism, the optimism that you have by many people, is misunderstood or mistaken for a formof denial? Another really great question, Nikki. Thank you. So. There is no doubt. That there are times when I probablystick my head in the sand. Bye. And the diversion and such is a way that we do that. Here's the thing. There is a lot ofcrap that's going on around us right now, especially here in America, but across the world, okay? But again, where ismy... where is my control? Where is what? My reaction is the only thing I can control. My perspective is the only thingI can control. Period. And if I want to feel good, it's not that the bad isn't happening. It's not that I don't see it.

00:32:10

It's not that I even don't want to do anything about it. It's just as I'm dealing with it. I'm also focusing on things thatmake me feel good, that I'm optimistic about and positive about, because at the same time there's always two ends of astick. So, which stick do you, you know, which side of the stick do you want to be on? For me, it's very much about.Being that person who wants to create a reality, who feels good, who knows and has experience, and I've experiencedthrough my life. Where, when I'm feeling super happy and positive about things, even with all the crap going on, moregood and positive things happen. Serendipitous things happen. Amazing, serendipitous things happen. People arealways blown away by some of my stories that I have of things that go on.

00:33:07

Since I've met you, many, many things have gone on. I sit in awe. I sit in awe of what happens. I'm so grateful. And...and excited, truly, truly excited about bringing this book to the world and was so happy to be able to read it to you.Because, you know, some of the podcasters that I deal with, there are— I'm not always reading the book. I think you sofar have been one of the few. You know, and you were open to it. And it was so phenomenal to be able to do that withyou and that it has impacted you to this extent is just a beautiful thing. And that's. That's really what I'm looking for. I'mlooking for making an impact on children and their caretakers and their parents, their guardians, et cetera, because thisbook has a message.

00:34:03

For a six to nine-year-old, and I say six to 60 and beyond. So I thank you for being, putting in the wisdom together.with the child. I am truly, I say to people all the time, I'm very well connected to my four-year-old. Okay. Very wellconnected to my four-year-old. Yet, yes, there is a tremendous amount of experience and wisdom. that brings me to thisday. Right. Now, what's funny about that. is most people don't equate the two. And that's exactly why you're sensingwhat you're sensing. It's like. When we grow into an adult, for some reason, we feel like we can't be silly and happy andlike a child. Why not? Truly, why not? What we love as adults when we're staring in a child's face— newborn and older—are they still have this incredible light to them.

00:35:06

They're like little sponges and they're so joyful. And it. Who's to say we can't be that way as adults just because we'vegone through some stuff? Huh? It's made us brighter and wiser, but it doesn't mean we can't be. joyful and happy. Howperfect that we're doing this on Christmas Eve, by the way. Speaking about joy, it's been happy. Exactly. When I lookedat my calendar today, I'm like, did I really schedule a podcast on Christmas Eve? I guess I did. Let's go. I was glad youtexted because I was like, I mean, I was going to do it anyway. I was going to be here, but I just wanted to, I was, I waslike relieved that you texted because I said, well, maybe I made a mistake, you know, but anyway, so that's how it goessometimes.

00:35:50

But earlier in this conversation, you mentioned being bullied. And I think these two ideas were connected. Youmentioned being bullied and, in a another part of the conversation, you had said that you were afraid to go out. I waswondering if those two things— being bullied and then being afraid to go out—were connected. And also, just whatthat experience was like for you, and how you dealt with it. The bullying was scary because it was through basicallyfourth to... Almost. 8th grade. So there were a couple of really scary moments for me with it, living in Queens, NewYork. So I think I just kind of bottled myself up sometimes in my house and would. would play in such. Um, Yet.

00:36:45

At the same time, at a young age, again, Queens, New York, I would have you know, boyfriends and such, and wouldstick with one guy. Only for years. Now, why would that be? Because I was almost afraid. To deal with the attention Iwas getting at a young age, I was pretty well developed. It's saying, you know, it's in sixth grade, and this stuff. And Irealized why I would stick with one guy from. Very young to, you know, then let's say 12, 12 to 15, 15 to 22. Right.And then... And then onwards. So I am. I think we do a lot of things to protect ourselves. Right. And protecting myselfwas. Being sometimes in solitude and coming home to sometimes a family that I didn't know what argument was goingto take place.

00:37:59

So I would just walk into my room and close my door. Play with, you know, my dog at the time, or I had a guinea pig atthe time. I'm Gertrude. Because it's a great name for a guinea pig. And, uh... You know, I just would just. Divert. vertand play. So I still have that sense of playfulness, I feel. You know, and just, and laughter. I do really enjoy laughing alot. Yeah. Making light. There are a couple of, there are very serious things that are going on right now, but there's also,you just kind of shake your head at. At some of the stupidity of it. Right? And... it's kind of laughable in a sad way. In asad way, for sure.

00:38:52

But I mean, what are the late night hosts do? Right. So why do so many people watch the late night stuff? Becausethey're trying to get away from. You know, the quote unquote reality, but we can do that for ourselves on a daily basisall day long. You know. I think you asked a question that was really important, which was about why families are alsobreaking the port. This is very big. And this has to do with being present. And I think people, and I'm talking aboutyou're standing, you're talking to someone. And that's who your attention's on. That's it. Not your phone. Not theconversation that's going on next to you. Not a conversation in your head that has to happen in an hour from now. Youare literally present with that person.

00:39:45

That in itself is showing a type of respect and appreciation for that person that. speaks volumes and your silence as youlisten to someone. You're silent. You're literally giving them respect at that moment. And I think that's been kind of lost.Um and also, from the top down, and some of the people's reactions to some of these words that are being thrownaround and denigrating. Whether it's women, men, Jews, Muslims, I don't care what it is. And I don't care who you are.But when we denigrate any... any particular group, and then another group laughs at it, it's giving permission, youknow, that it's okay to speak to each other that way. Well, it's not. It's not. And our children are learning that.

00:40:39

And that, I think, is a responsibility that we all have to shut down. We need to shut this down. Yeah. Yeah, man, wecould. Talk all day about that one. But I want to, I definitely want to talk more about. Your book because It is soimpactful. I mean, I'm a publisher. I edit books. I ghostwrite books. I've written two of my own children's books. Imean, I've been down that road and I continue to go down that road because I understand that words really do havepower. And so do stories, especially when they're, you know, cohesive and they make sense. But your message is really,really, really strong. And it's special. And there's only one other book that I've read.

00:41:22

That had that same vibe, that same aura where I was like, 'Wow, you know, like opening the book.' It's one of those. It'sone of those books that I will definitely. I can't imagine another book really topping it, but even though I don't have atop five children's book list, you are in my top two as of right now. Now. And I've read a lot of children's books before.I just never have thought, you know, what are my top five books? But whatever my top five books are, your book isdefinitely in my top two, for sure. If not number one. So, and I say that genuinely, I don't say that to glaze you oranything like that. It's, it really is. It was something that's very unique and very special.

00:42:04

And it's clever. So do you want to tell us a little bit about what your book is about? Provide us with some context. Andthen I have a couple of questions that I want to ask you about the book once we have that context. Excellent. Excellent.So thank you for that. And everybody, we're going to be introducing Abracadabra, which is the title of my book.Literally within the next few weeks. So I wanted to kind of get away from all the noise of Christmas and let's, youknow, bring in the new year with abracadabra. And, um, and the special message that it has. Abracadabra was actuallywritten, called Abracadabra, by the way, title never changed. Story pretty much never really changed. I may havetweaked it a little bit, but it was written back in 2014.

00:42:57

So that's quite a while ago. And people always ask me, and a lot of authors do this, you know, we kind of sit on booksfor a while. It was just the timing. It wasn't the right timing to bring it out. You know, whatever I was going through inmy life at that moment, it wasn't the right time. I know that back in November, I... Tried to get an illustrator, gotslammed on Facebook when I asked, as you know, we do. All of a sudden, everybody just came at me, so many people.And I said, 'Oh, no, no, this is overwhelming.' And then I found the perfect situation and scenario, which I'll tell youmore about in a moment. But let me share with you about the book.

00:43:37

The book is about a little girl. And I named her Dani, D-A-N-I, for a reason. And Danny. is running away from herhouse where her parents are fighting on the porch. And. She's running down to her favorite spot by the lake. And whenshe stopped, she sees a branch down on the ground that she picks up because it, it looks like. She could hold on to it. Itlooks almost like a magic wand. Like it'd be a magic wand. And it turns out that she keeps it with her— her whole life.But when she looks down into the lake, she sees her image. And when she sees her image, that image begins to speak toher, like a sage would speak to her, about how she's feeling. And how does she want to feel?

00:44:28

And giving her the tools to work with, right? To say, you know what, you are a special, special child. And every child isspecial. Right. And you have the power within you. You have a wizard inside of you. Truly. That if you listen. carefully.When you make decisions and you feel good about this decision you're going to make. Base it on how you're feeling.You will live. An incredibly magical life. And I have felt that way about my own life. So when it is. Get that messageout. I felt that and I feel. That. If we get this kind of a message out. More of a personally developed message, right?That we as adults. Start learning later on in life.

00:45:27

If we can actually teach a child this earlier on, we can foster children growing up who are kinder adults because theyfall in love with their lives. They're creating lives that they love. I just got this percentage: 80. Someone said to me, 'Iactually was on a podcast at 86% of adults in America, at least. Really do not like their lives. They're not happy withwhat they're doing in their life. Well, that's absurd. That is absolutely absurd. And if we can change that by... Havingchildren understand that they have the power within them to create beautiful lives, they will fall in love with their life.And when they fall in love with their life, they're kinder. They're kinder adults. They're more connected adults. They'remore connected to themselves and to others and to their world.

00:46:23

And we will have a kinder world. And that is... Terry Bean's journey. That's so beautiful.' Well, you said you named thecharacter Danny, and there was a reason behind it. Why is that? So the 'I' in Danny was it. I wanted to make sure that Ididn't leave out the boys. Or anybody, right? Uh, The name initially was, was not. And, um, So it was more of a female,it was Suzanne, it was more of a female name and, you know, because the book was written around that time, around afriend of mine. I... I just want, that's why. That's really why. Okay. Oh, well, and the Danny story was hysterical.Actually, the Danny story was— I was working as a poll worker here in.

00:47:16

In New York, in the elementary school that I played Mother Nature on that stage, which is absolutely nuts, and gotbullied at the whole thing. And here I am going full circle, which my life has done so many times, I can't even tell you.And here I am, and a woman, and I'm starting to review the book and edit the book. And a woman comes up to me withher license, looks at me and hands me her license and goes, 'Hi, I'm Dani.' And I looked at her and I go, 'And that's it.'And that was it. It's true. Hi, I'm Dani, D-A-N-I. Okay. Thank you. That's the name. Get out of town. I just love that.That is awesome.

00:47:57

Here you are, like writing this book and going through this process and then that happens and it, the name just dropsright in your lap. You know, that's, it's really an amazing thing. It reminds me of, like, this image I saw one time of aman who had a butterfly net and he's running around the yard and he's trying to catch all these butterflies and he'sstruggling to catch them. And then he just stops trying to catch the butterfly and he focuses on other things. And then allof a sudden, as he's doing something, a butterfly just kind of lands on his shoulder or whatever. Yeah, it's a, it's a cutebrilliance of letting go, by the way. That's exactly what happens. When you're not, when you're not focused on theoutcome.

00:48:36

You're not, you're not held. To what that outcome is going to look like. And attach to it. When you let go of thatattachment and you focus elsewhere, it's amazing what happens. It's just incredible. It's true. It really is true. And whenyou were going through the whole... the important lessons that, you know, someone can, obviously, they can derivemany lessons from your book, but some of the important lessons that you saw coming from the book, you know, it just,it reminded me of my, I'm getting ready to start my own micro school. One of the things that I really want to bridge isthis gap between education/ slash academia. and a sense of purpose in life, because there are so many people in theeducation space, whether you're working in a public school or wherever you are.

00:49:34

As I was telling a colleague of mine the other day, public schools have a lot of infrastructure. They have all thesethings, but they're missing the feeling of connectedness and purpose. You go from bell to bell, from all these differentplaces, and you're just shuffled along. And in the homeschool community, the homeschool community is the exactopposite. There really is no structure, but there's all this flexibility, all this freedom. You can get up at whatever timeyou want to, start your day when you want to, end your day when you want to. So you have all of that. But what'smissing is also that sense of connectedness and purpose. And it's the same problem, just in two different, very situ—you know, very different situations or circumstances.

00:50:16

And I'm like, I really want to have a school. Where kids feel that sense of connectedness and purpose, that this is notjust something that we do, that learning isn't just something that we do. It's learning with purpose, learning withpurpose in mind. And that purpose could be anything. It could be the purpose of growing your own food. the purpose ofpersonal development like what you talk about a lot. the purpose of dreaming big, you know, all these different things.So every day that the kids come in, They always are going to be connected to each other. to people who are taking riskwith them. people who are doing similar activities. people who are cheering them on. you know, people who care aboutthem, people who really know them.

00:51:06

So they're going to get that sense of connectedness. It's always going to be founded on a sense of purpose, common andindividual. So I just, I love your story and what it brings. And I'm always trying to think of ways to bring your book andyou and your story and your beliefs into my own ecosystem, because I really do share a lot of the same philosophiesthat you do. But one thing I wanted to ask you is, in terms of teaching children, you know, you obviously have thisbook, and this book is meant to teach people. It's meant to teach not just kids. I benefited from reading it as well as anadult. So in your opinion, you know, how do we teach children about their inner power without accidentally teachingthem that they're responsible for things that are just simply not their fault?

00:52:01

So I want to go back to another great question. Thank you. Thank you. Your questions are just superb. Um, First of all,I want you to know that I'm working with a company called The Learning Room, which is here doing exactly what youwant to do. So we need to talk. It's very exciting, and you're not even going to believe this, but one of the owners, guesswhat her name is? Danny? Right. Absolutely. The full circle always comes. It's yeah. I get it. I totally get it. That'sreally cool. So many things happened that day when I met her. Her brother looked at me and said, 'What is going onwith you?' It's pretty awesome. All right. So. Um, Your question being? Sorry. It was, no, you're totally fine. It was howdo we teach children about their inner power? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:04

Uh-oh. Miss Terry, I think... Oh, there we are. I lost you there for a second. Okay, go ahead. It's okay. We're back on.We're good. Okay, great. The— We're all born with an inner power. We're all born with an inner power, right? Butsomehow we lose it because through the teaching, whether it's school or at home or anywhere else in our life. Word.Looking towards outside sources and outside people. Right? To make us feel okay, make us feel that we're doing theright thing or doing the wrong thing. And if we can flip that narrative with a child pretty early on and build their self-esteem. I think that's what's gotten lost a bit. is people's self-esteem because we're all looking outside of ourselves toeither feel better, to look good, or to get accolades or whatever it is, you know, in that way.

00:54:09

And so we've lost the confidence, we've lost the trust in ourselves, right, to be able to build our worlds and do the bestwe can. And not only the best we can for ourselves, but for others. Even more importantly, you know, the golden rule isvery, very important. Do unto ourselves and, you know, I forget the exact words. You'll fill that one in. But anyway, youknow what I'm saying. But the golden rule is very, very important. And I think. That's gotten lost, too, because it's aboutit's almost like one upping each other. There's this one up thing going on, even even with little kids. You see it withlittle kids. And I said, 'My goodness, you know, let's just play and have fun together. You know, that's what we're hereto do.

00:55:04

We're here to support each other. We're here to to, uh, to get excited about the wins. To talk about the losses in a waythat's a little bit different. What did you learn from it? What can you bring to the next one? What would you dodifferently? This kind of language is a little bit different for a child. You know, and I think if we bring that kind oflanguage in sooner than later, they will build that trust within themselves again. To move on into their lives confidently.Yeah, definitely. It makes sense. So, I had a situation one time in my high school class. This was several years ago. Iwas teaching. The children a very brief lesson. I tried to do, like, these little motivational spiels that years ago with thestudents to help them.

00:55:57

Because a lot of times they would just come to class on e— and I'm like, 'Okay, you're empty. I really need to motivateyou. Put some gas in the tank, kind of thing.' And we talked about, you know, Choosing. Choosing happiness. And itbeing... on some level, a choice. And there was a student one time, actually, let me back it up with this. So when Italked to the kids, I remember, and this was years ago, so my memory of it is a little fuzzy, but I remember thinking. Iremember saying to them, 'Whenever I'm in a situation— or not a situation, but a particular place that I don't likenecessarily. It's not my preference to be there.

00:56:40

Like if I were in a math class, for example, it's not going to be my preference to sit in a math class. But I honestlywould try to choose to be happy.' In a class like that and really change my attitude. And if I, in many cases, I found thatif I changed my attitude about things and the way that I felt that the circumstances around me would change as well.And I tried to really teach that to them, but I did have a student one time come to me and she said, 'I tried what you did,and she was also in a math class that she did not like. She didn't particularly care for the for the teacher or the way thatthings were taught.

00:57:20

You know, I understood because I was in her shoes when I was a kid too. So I understood. And she came to me and shesaid, 'Ms. Hernandez, I tried to choose happiness.' I tried to, to, to really change my attitude and to want to be there, butit just didn't work. And honestly, I didn't know what to even say when she... when she told me that. And I'm just curiousto know, what would you say, you know, if a child came to you and said, you know, I really did try to choose happiness,but it just didn't work. What would you say? So happiness is pretty, well, this is between you and I right now, right?And our audience is that happiness is fairly high on the emotional scale.

00:58:07

So it really depends on where you're starting on that scale. So you're going up in increments. It's like you really can't,even though it's two sides of the stick, you know, hate to love is pretty intense. Right, so they're they're truly polaropposites, but you know. That's why we go hate to maybe. Maybe light. Maybe. Yeah, you're okay. And then like, andthen, you know, hate to hate a little less. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's that kind of thing, right? So, you know, I hate it issuch an ugly word. You know, that's another thing. I mean, I would have. Absolutely. Look at language with kids andtalk. You know, see about what kind of language they're using in the school and class you don't Hate is like one of thosewords that shouldn't even be in the language.

00:59:05

What I would say to a child is, 'Try again.' I would say, 'Have the faith.' One time, sometimes it may not work. It maynot work. Anne. It's not that you have to. Be happy that you're in that class, but just find one thing. One thing in beingin that class that you love, it could be the angle of the sun that's hitting the board. You know, the front board, thechalkboard. There's always something that we can find in a situation. That we can. Enjoy. or find. find that we enjoy it.Right. So. That's kind of how my approach would be with a child. And I would sit down with them and ask them aboutother things that are going on in their life, you know.

01:00:02

In terms of being happy and not happy, and all of that, but I totally. I understand that it doesn't always work. And that'sokay. That's okay. I like the, I really, I mean, I liked everything of what you said, but I really liked the, the concept ofthe emotional scale that you're not jumping from one extreme to another. It's not about that. That's where denial is. Bythe way. That's where denial comes in. That's where totally sticking your head in. And the sand is. And that's where. Weknow when someone's being genuine and whether or not. By the way, you can sense it right away because if they'rejumping from one to the other, it's not— it's not genuine at all. Yeah, that's, man, that's real talk.

01:00:51

So I've got a couple more questions for you. I know we're winding down on our podcast. And so... One of the questionsthat I have is, When— we're talking about how we can choose how we feel. That concept. At what point do you believethat that concept can be really empowering for a child? And at what point can saying something like that, like, 'Oh, bepositive. You can choose how you feel,' turn into something that's confusing or perhaps dismissive to someone's, youknow, especially a child's very real emotions. And for context, the reason why I ask is because I was speaking to a ladyone time who, and this is a disclaimer, so for anyone who's listening to the show, there's... sexual assault in this story.There is abuse.

01:01:57

There is denial. There is tremendous sadness and regret. And there's rape and all of that. So for anybody who'slistening, you know, I just want to give you a chance to kind of turn off the podcast if that's, you know, if it's notsomething that you want to hear. And so I will spare you the gory details. Basically, what happened is there was ayoung lady who grew up in a very religious household. And I've grown up in a religious household my whole life, but itwas different than what she. grew up in and her father was a preacher or, or somebody, you know, in the, in the church,somebody big in the church. And He always had this mantra that you had to be positive, be positive, be positive abouteverything.

01:02:44

And he didn't want you to talk about anything negative. was going on because he would say, 'You have to be positive.'So anyway, and he would preach that from the pulpit and he would preach that same mentality at home. So on thesurface, this family, they looked like the happiest family alive, but that was just on the surface. So this young lady, shewas small, and her brother, who was older than her, I can't remember if he... I know that his friends did, but I can'tremember if he molested her and raped her as well or if it was just the friends and the... cousins and all that kind ofstuff. It was multiple people. And it happened over a period of years. This was not just a one-time thing.

01:03:33

Not that if it's just a one-time thing. that it's just a one-time thing. I don't mean to minimize it, but this happenedrepeatedly over a period of years from family members, from friends, cousins, people who came over to the house. andthey would hurt her. in that way. And then. She would hide it. And she had always grown up being taught to bepositive, be positive. She did not say anything to her mom or to her dad or anyone in the family about what was goingon and um, it. It wasn't until later that... She was an adult, you know, in her... probably her 30s or so. And. this secretthat she had held onto for her whole life finally came out, it came out. And she told her mother what occurred.

01:04:30

And I asked her, I said, I firmly believe in women's intuition. I firmly know that women absolutely have a sixth sensewhen it comes to vibrations, frequencies, the whole thing. I just, I just know it. And there are some people who arevehemently against that, but I don't care. So anyway, I asked her, I said, When you told your mother what happened, A,what was her reaction? What was her response? Because this is, you know, she obviously loved you. She obviouslycared about you. You're her baby girl. She... you know, raised you and. all that, and you grew up in a two-parenthousehold and all these kinds of things, and you grew up in a religious household at that, so I can't even imagine whather reaction was.

01:05:18

And then I said, and when you told her, did she ever... Confess to you that she felt like she knew that something was offbecause a mother always can sense when something is off. And she said, 'That her, her mother's reaction was totaldevastation when she found out, just absolute and total devastation. Couldn't, couldn't. Believe it— it just, just aboutkilled her. And as far as the intuitive aspect of it, did she know? Did she know? But not know— you know, like youknow, in your brain. But there's a difference between knowing something because you are aware of it and somebodytold you about it and you learned it, versus just having a sense or a feeling.' I said, and the woman told me, she saidthat, yes, her mother did confess that she had this feeling that something was going on, but she never said anything.

01:06:14

Because of her husband and, you know, just the whole thing. So it was just a very traumatic story, and there was a lot.So that's the context. Behind the question about choosing how you feel becoming empowering versus choosing howyou feel and then that mantra becoming confusing or dismissive to the child. Lived experience or emotions. So I don't, Idon't. I don't think becoming empowered ever the host. ever has to be. Ever has to be. A feeling of dismissiveness. Ithink, for children, with parents who are always open to hearing how they feel about different things and what'shappening for them. How they want to feel and how. Um, different experiences that they have and sharing things andbeing that family, that cohesive family, which I've seen cohesive families.

01:07:20

Now, some cohesive families scream it out, interestingly enough, and some cohesive families, you know, speak verycalmly, you know, and just have conversations. Um, And again, being grown up doesn't mean you can't sit down on thefloor with your kid and play and be silly with them, right? Making your kid feel safe. Based on whatever they're goingthrough. Is really, really important to also help them build that kind of self-esteem and awareness. of themselves andhow they're feeling. And that they have that ability to choose. So it's in our communication with that child. It's notalways about being positive. It's because there'll be plenty of times when they're not, but how do they want to feel?Right. So, OK, you feel this way.

01:08:13

Let's talk about why, what happened, you know, and what other ways you can feel about it. Right. And then that theyhave the ability to choose. Based on that and based on the plethora of different different emotions that lay out there,right? It's not really... You know, it's funny, society in many ways have labeled so many different things, including ouremotions, that what happens is that we box things. We've really boxed things. And if we can just open up that lid a bitmore and understand that we all feel differently. The circumstance could be exactly the same, but all of us may feeldifferently about that circumstance. It's amazing. And the more we allow for that, the more we understand. I heard thisthe other day. We've listened to the opinion.

01:09:12

The opinion may not be something we... don't necessarily agree with. But that's not the person. It's their opinion. That'sa huge statement. It's a really big, big statement. Well, that goes for our children too. You know, I understand thedirection we want to give them. I understand the safe. You know, you want to always make them feel safe and makesure that they are safe and everything. Yet they're on their own little journeys too, right? Yeah, that's what I really like.Oh, go ahead. Sorry. I don't know if my mic cut out, but go ahead. No, no, no. They're, you know, they're on their littlejourneys to become. Uh... grown adults and to self-empower them to understand that they have choices on how theyfeel and that ... feeling.

01:10:07

More positive and happy will bring them more happiness. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Is a... is just uh. It's fact. I think there'sscience behind it now. There's a lot of science and spirituality that are actually mixing around. Yeah, there always was.It's just that here in America, we've not. Yeah. We suppressed it. We suppressed it so we could box things. That's right.Right. So I think it's coming out more. And I think that's why part of the reason why Abracadabra is coming out. Atsuch a good time and such a poignant time. Um, for, people to understand that we do have this power. And I don't careif you are 60 and over and you haven't found your purpose. And I think purpose is. Huge.

01:11:01

When we grow older, finding that purpose— I don't care what it is, you know— gives us the motivation to wake up inthe morning, right, and get excited for the day. In the book, there have been, there are a couple of points that I make. Inthe book, that are learning points for a parent or a teacher to actually go into. A phrase or a saying and teach that childmore about it and what that is. I did that in the coloring book too. So there will be an abracadabra coloring book comingout right after, if not along with. The illustrations that are just so magnificent are now sketches so that people can colorin as well as. Right in, in the back of the book, right in, you know.

01:12:07

What do you want to be? What do you want to do when you grow up? All right. They can see it. They can feel it. Youknow, feeling. things and putting emotion behind things. helps us manifest that much faster. We know that as well. So,you know, I've given them an opportunity to do that. Also an opportunity to write different words that they can say. inthe morning when they wake up. Just like we're told to affirmations, you know, when we get older, well, why not start?At six, seven, eight, nine. I mean, why not, you know, and start getting up and feeling really good about the day aheadof us and what we want to create. in front of us. Not that.

01:12:49

You know, we're like these little lemmings and robots going walking into the bus, walking into the classroom. Youknow, we have so much to offer at whatever stage of our life and giving that child the confidence to do so and to stepout. Right? And be themselves and enjoy life is what we're here to do at whatever age we are. Well said. I can't think ofa better note to end on. Terry, tell us where we can find you, where we can find your book when it's coming out, all ofthat information. And once you do that, I have one last and final question for you. And then we'll wrap up. This hasreally been a pleasure.

01:13:33

So I do want to tell you that my illustrations were so tremendous and the illustrator and I had such an incrediblesymmetry together that I'm hoping that it screams off the page and people really feel that and sense that. And you canfind abracadabra. You can go to my website at terribeanauthor. com. That's terribeanauthor. com. It will be onIngramSpark. It will be on Amazon. Come around, you know, second week or so in January. So I need to see it firstbefore I hit that distribution button and I haven't. And as you can imagine, I am so excited to see it and literally sit downwith my 91-year-old mother and read it to her. She said, 'No, I don't want to see it.

01:14:21

I don't want to see it now.' When you get it, I want you to read it to me like I'm a child. I said, 'Okay.' Oh, that is justprecious. It's going to be amazing. And I dedicated it to her, which she has no idea about. Stop it. So it's pretty wild. Oh,that's going to be a moment. Again, because of our relationship, people are like, 'What do you mean you're dedicated?'My mother brought me into this world. My mother's been able, we've been able to support each other through this. Wehold on to things. Let's not hold on to these, these things that, you know, were filled with anger and let's hold on to. Youknow, the love and the support that we have for each other.

01:15:04

And it will be quite a... Beautiful world. Yeah. Yeah. I dedicated my first book to my mom as well. And it's, yeah, it's,it's amazing. A friend of hers actually had it framed, and it's got the front and the back cover, and then it has thededication page, and it's a little frame that goes horizontally across. That's awesome. Has it in her office and stuff. Soyes, well, this has really been an incredible conversation. We will definitely talk offline about the learning room anddifferent things, but. Guys, definitely connect with Terri Bean. You absolutely will see her, no doubt, all over Amazon,all over Barnes & Nobles, all over the place where books are sold. And you will no doubt, of course, see her on futurepodcasts and TV shows.

01:15:44

You never know. USA Today, you just don't know where. But I can tell you that. And Terry really does have a littlewizard inside of her that is creating this amazing and beautiful reality. So can't wait to hear more from you. So one lastquestion before we drop off. Terry, the question I always ask every single guest when they come on the show is this. It'sa fairly simple question, and it's open to your interpretation. And the question is, in your opinion, what is the mostimportant education that any child could ever receive?

01:16:22

She's thinking, ' Guys. Yeah, I'm here. That they are loved. They are loved. They are accepted. and um And they reallydo have the power within them. I just, this is, I'm just going to go back to it. It's amazing, but I really feel that that'swhere it all stands. From, and, uh, that to hold their joy, no matter what. Amazing. Thank you. Thank you, Terry Bean,for being here. It's been an incredible experience. Thank you to all the listeners who have stuck it out with us. Thankyou for listening to another episode of The Gentle Ear, sponsored by... My educational company, Turning the TideTutoring. And we'll see you on the next episode. All right. Thank you guys so much. Appreciate it. Bye.



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Terry Bean

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